Why I should have become a rapper…

Standard
buds.
Cruising down the road the other day, Drake came blasting through my radio. Not only was it Drake, but he had to some friends, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, and Eminem to back him up. I was unknowingly jamming along when I realized some of the many reasons why it is awesome to be a male rapper.
1. Fun names are a must. The rap culture has created a culture of interesting, off the wall names. I mean Lil Scrappy? Jay-Z? Chingy? How nice? You don’t have to be John or Bob, you get to J-swizzle and b-2-the-OB. Like I wouldn’t be Heather, I would be Heatha Bling…cause I love my bling, bling…You can find your very own name at: http://www.myrapname.com. (I am not that creative).
2. Friends are essential. Rappers travel in packs — not small packs, but very large and expanding packs. Your friends are important to your very being as a rapper. A rapper who sings by himself is not a true rapper. He can’t be. I mean your friends must emphasize your words —your words— or add a crazy bridge (this song, is great ya, my friend is great ya, what, what) to your song — it is a must. If you don’t have friends, you just can’t be a rapper. End of story.
3. Getting ready is easy. Rappers wear a very standard wardrobe of loose-fitting clothing with some bling and a hat. Time in hair and makeup…nope. Just wear a baseball hat representing your favorite team. What to wear? What to wear? You hardest decision is what solid t-shirt to wear: red, black, or white. Then to the jeans: blue or black. Lace up your oversized tennies add some bling, and you are done. How simple is that? Not to mention, you can eat that burger and fries because your oversized wardrobe conceals any body imperfections. And the bling..I mean come on? Who doesn’t love some sparkle.
4. Making history is part of your job. Rappers are our new poets. There I said it. Rap is an ART form. You may not like said art form, but it is in fact art. Seriously do a quick Google search for poetry and rap. When reading (not listening to) rap, there are a lot of similarities to poetry (and by a lot, I mean they are the same thing). Rappers put real life experiences (living on the street, growing up on the street, etc.) into rhyme…which is exactly what poetry does. Years from now, students will be reading Jay-Z instead of or in conjunction with Shakespeare (scary). Repetition, rhyme, form…
“Askin what happened to the feelin that her and me had, 
I pray so much about it, need some knee pads.”  —- Andre 3000, Ms. Jackson
5. Awkward silences are not your thang. If your rhyme has a little dead space — don’t fret — just add a “Hey” or “Yeah,” and you are totally good. You don’t have to fill space with meaningful words — who needs meaning anyway. Just add filler, “what” and those are the best parts of the song — “that’s right” (mostly because those are the only lines of the songs I can repeat without repeatedly washing my mouth out with soap). Thanks, rappers for giving me something to work with.
6. Being Humble – Ya, right. So many rap songs are about how awesome the rapper is. R Kelly’s Genius….feel good about your skills, much? Forget your songs, Kayne West just brags on himself all the time. Compare yourself to Jesus, why not? Its ok, self-affirmation is part of your persona. No one bats an eye when you say how awesome you are (alright, maybe they do, but your don’t care because your are awesome, and you know it).
Most importantly, awesome people pay sarcastic tributes to you like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNPp74zh8lM
(Reason #52639 why I love Benedict Cumberbatch).
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